How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
