So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
