last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
