made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
