Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
