Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
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He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
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You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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