If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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