Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
