anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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