I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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