"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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