He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
