I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
