Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
