You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
