I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
That was an excessively violent trivia night
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
