i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
