so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
