i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
