please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
