According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
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I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
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I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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