Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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