Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
