when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
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my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
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"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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