Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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