oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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