I want to make a zoo with you.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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