what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
