shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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