just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
