I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
