Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
And then he peed in my hair
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