i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
