i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
