A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
