he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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