also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
