i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
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