Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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