Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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