I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
