Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Terrible idea I love it
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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