fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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