I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
