Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
