the condom got lost in my hair
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
