When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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