you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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