There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
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He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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