How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
