I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i think i just lost a toe
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
