I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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