Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
