Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
