i already hear my dad disowning me
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
