No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You pole danced in your parka.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
