you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
