i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
